I'm breaking a promise right now. I promised myself that if I was going to write a post, it would be in the morning. And it's currently 11:52pm. Truthfully, though, I'm waiting up to hear the results of the LC Homecoming Open Mic -- my college hip-hop string group is competing, and we won for the three years previous. It's only natural that I would stay up to hear that we won again, right?
But really, in this second post I want to do one thing.
Growing starts when you're aware. I value honesty and need to be more honest with myself, so I'm going to own up to some things. And here they are.
1. I'm competitive.
I get frustrated when people tell me that I'm "so talented" and "so humble" about it. I'm not humble. I want to be the best. I consider myself to be compassionate and kind, but I want to win. And I want to do it my way.
2. I'm a coward.
I like winning and accomplishing things, but I'm afraid of hard work. Honestly, my life has been easy, and "hard work" has never really been in my vocabulary. I like to complain when things don't go my way, but the truth is that I didn't work hard enough for them.
3. I have anxiety.
This one is self explanatory, but it's true. And I'm trying to deal with it.
4. I'm a big talker.
I like to say that I want to travel and I want to work hard and be a professional musician, I want to try things I haven't done before and cook and get 8 hours of sleep every night. But really? See #2 and #3.
There's probably more, but that's where I stand as of now. And maybe this is more self-deprecation, but I like to think that I can't really begin to move forward without knowing where I am. So I've owned up, and now I'm going to see what I can do about it.
1. I don't think it's bad that I'm competitive. I just shy away from it because I don't want to step on other people. But does anyone else think that being competitive means I'll step on other people? I don't think so. Like I said, I'm kind and compassionate. I think I'll be okay. Maybe wanting something a little more would be good for me.
2. This might just be me being hard on myself. I think that I do try and I have worked hard, but I don't like failing... so sometimes I don't actually try. Hmmm.
3. I've discovered that fear is imaginary. So I'm working on that. I've also discovered kickboxing, and I love it.
4. I'll have you know that I'm trying something new this weekend. I'm going camping for the first time ever. Hiking and tents and scary nighttime and the whole deal for a few days. BRING IT
There it is, ladies and gents. The underlying themes of my life, laid out for you in print. I shall end this evening's musing with a list of gratitude. Happy almost October!
kickboxing gloves | stationary | letters from the future | chapstick | octobers | sports bras
~
Dear younger self:
ReplyDeleteDon't worry. Competitive probably means aspirational in your case. Trick is, aspiring for what? Once you know what you want to do, hard work is something you do on the way to getting there. And anxiety never goes away, completely. You'll know when it is affecting your "performance" because you'll be paying more attention to your anxiety than what you're trying to get done.
It comes down to finding your vocation or calling...that special combination of talents only you have meeting a deep need in the universe. Heady stuff but also very practical. This calling makes you a servant to something other than yourself. You begin to align who you are with what you do. It's stops putting all things into a self-referencing voice and puts doubt and anxiety on the furthest back burner.
A vocation simplifies things because you end up asking yourself open-ended questions like:
1. What three things do I find that I do well and with ease?
2. When was the last time I looked up to find that two or more hours had passed without my noticing? What was I doing?
3. Where was I when I felt most like myself?
4. When did I last feel useful? needed? part of something?
Great thing: answering these kinds of questions takes a life-time to answer but you start seeing results right away when you start putting action to your answers. Get started now. Times a-wasting. This is not a rehearsal.
Sincerely,
Your older self